I talk a good game about no longer living small
Yet here I am, on the precipice of greatness
And I’m teetering on the edge
Chicken shit to move in any direction

I miss the comforts of working for others
Taking direction, like an obedient pet
Looking for the occasional atta girl
Content to rely upon the wisdom and courage of others

I’ve been given the keys, entrusted to drive
And my confidence has gone down the toilet
My desire, sucked right out of me

My Monkey Mind fucking loves this
A fertile playground to run amuck
Having been caged fairly well for some time now
Having a field day, shooting holes in best laid plans
Carnage everywhere

Here I am, straddling two worlds
The one I’ve know and the one I’ve been invited to
Follow or lead

People are counting on me
But these are the type with whom I could change my mind if I really wanted to

Fuck. No excuses to hide behind now.
You get to choose
All of it, any of it
This is truly terrifying

Triggers being whacked
Worthy, capable, burden, safety
An avalanche of fears tumbling down upon me

Dusting myself off
Yes, there are fears
Yes, I’m struggling to concentrate or be motivated to do much of anything

Reminding myself of other truths –
I am co-creating my life with God now
If I’m too far off track, doors will shut
I have been given a gift
It is up to me what to do with it

The newest, freshest pain –
I allowed myself to dream
And it isn’t here yet
I feel impatient, panicked to make it happen NOW

My dreams feel aligned with God
I don’t know where my part and God’s part begins and ends
The parable about the man in the flood
I don’t want to be the idiot who drowns because he ignored all of the help

No one told me that navigating thriving would be so bumpy
Naively I assumed it would be smooth sailing
Surviving, by contrast, seems easier
From the perspective of experience, I suppose

Deep breath
I don’t know which way is up
That’s ok
When I thought I knew, turns out I was pretty clueless

So I’m going to steadily move forward
Keeping my eyes and heart open
Looking for God to clue me in if and when I am off track
Otherwise, keepin’ it moving
Hopefully towards thriving

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