I see you sidestepping old landmines
Owning your shit while not taking it from others
But you are irritated, annoyed
Doubting that anyone in your life deserves the time of day

Here’s the uncomfortable news
The work you are doing is surface
You have to go deeper
I suspect you already know and are resistant
You are working hard, very hard
Yet still, Life is asking even more of you

You ignore it, confident in your wisdom
Doubling down on your stance
Focusing your attention on protecting yourself
Resolute that your evolved boundaries are the new reality

The irritation grows
A pebble in the shoe, forming a blister that cannot be ignored
Which now must be addressed, nursed back to health

It’s them – they aren’t as evolved, aware, awake as me
I need to find someone at my level
I deserve someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated

I hear myself complaining
Initially, in my own head, increasingly, with others
I am posed a question that gets my mind spinning
A twist on the view I’m holding of myself
No way, that can’t be right

The confidence you feel is being challenged
Wait, what? Are you fucking kidding me?
I have to break myself down again?
No, no, no, no, no
Anger, terror, I can’t do it
Gripping, clinging with desperation
I’ve come so far, I’m good now
Why? I’m fine!

Wave after wave of understanding

This awesome person I’ve become is now just another shell I’ve outgrown
I really liked this version
I don’t want to go through growth again
It’s exhausting and scary

Fuck it. Burn it all down.
A metaphor, of course. It’s an inside job.
I allow myself to be vulnerable. Very very vulnerable.
Asking others for help, but not for my weary mind
For my soul – reminding me I’m not starting from scratch this time
I have good in me, things I will retain from the old version of me
A more solid foundation upon which to build anew

Time will pass and I anticipate I’ll go through this again
Hopefully, I will remember and not resist so much
I didn’t die
It felt like it in the moment
But I am ok

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