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The Universe was tapping me on the shoulder
But I wasn’t listening
Too busy plowing through life
The way I always had

I started to fracture
Unable to maintain the facade
Pieces falling away in chunks
A metaphor reinforced by physical manifestations
Hair falling out at an alarming rate
Cortisol levels through the roof
My shoulder dislocating in my sleep
WAKE UP my body was screaming

I eventually took a look around
Indeed, something was terribly wrong

Numerous angels held me up during this time

A courageous friend put me on leave
She couldn’t count on me to do anything
Softly encouraging me to get my shit together
Providing shelter and the time to do so

Friends who let me touch base
Offering no advice
Someone to let know – I’m safe
I’m still here, figuring this out

Other friends who listened
As I shared my thoughts, feelings
Space to dig more deeply
Find the pain, root it out
Tim Ferriss’s Fear Setting
Danielle LaPorte’s podcast
Tools to navigate those dark days

It was a painful time
But much less so than what I had been doing
On autopilot, asleep in my own nightmare
Caged by self-induced shame and misery
I wasn’t where I belonged
And it was time to change that

It’s been 15 months since that dark night of the soul
And I am proud
Proud to have withstood the discomfort
And emerged from the other side of it
Wiser, sure
But softer – towards myself and others

It’s hard not knowing better
I have a lot of tenderness for that version of me
And immense gratitude for those who helped get me through

 

 

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