I’ve never felt so vulnerable
Until I’d created something
Mine, with my own blood and sweat and tears
At the mere hint of crumble
I lose my ever-loving mind
It’s weird, because generally I feel I’m a reasonable person
But in this area, I find I often wear blinders
Seeing people and things as I want them to be
Rather than as they are, myself included
Desperate for all to be perfectly fine, always
Relationships are a big area
Putting people on a pedestal when they have no business being there
Setting myself up for disappointment
When clear communication and listening with honest receptivity
Could have avoided the resulting heartache
The things I’ve built, another minefield
When the buck stops here
I have shown I can have a hair trigger to blow
When my foundation feels wobbly
I crave safety and stability, assurance that all will be well
That desire isn’t all bad
But I also see how I twist my world to fit my definition of certainty
They are out to get me!
How many times have I thought or said those words?
They’re just jealous, trying to take what I’ve worked so hard to build!
Oh yeah, there it is
My reputation, my livelihood are being challenged
A physical reaction is taking place
An apocalyptic future where everything falls to pieces with me left standing helpless in the rubble
With righteous indignation, I bang out draft after draft of response
An endeavor to let. them. have. it.
Having been through this time after time
I received feedback from the most unusual of sources
The most cruel person to ever cross my path
In one of these moments asked –
Who is really out to get you?
Based on what?
I assure you, that was not a fun exercise in self-awareness
Self-righteousness feels powerful
Evaluating my situation with objectivity felt like dropping my armor and sword
The last thing in the world I wanted to do
But like all situations in life, served up a lesson
There are countless reasons behind why people do what they do
It is unlikely I will ever know what most of them are
I can view the world as a battlefield
Or I can diligently tend to my field and yield the best crop I can
Maybe others are out to get me, maybe they aren’t
Of course it is possible they are the one in the wrong
But it’s a slippery slope to think I’m above reproach myself