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I had a life
I’d built it from the ground up
Cultivated for decades
The making of a well-liked person

And it was a sham
A hair shirt
Ill-fitted to the person I’d become

Each element, carefully selected
Placed gingerly into just the right spot

And it brought me zero joy

Here I stand
On the precipice
Between the old and the new

And tears are slowly streaming down my cheeks
I am mourning
My former life that was predictable
And curated
And safe

It sucked, but I knew what to expect

I’m mourning that sense of knowing
What tomorrow will bring
Being in control
Feeling safe from harm

It was all an illusion, of course
None of us ever really know
Nothing is guaranteed
We are never completely safe
And being in control –
I could write a book about how wrong that part was

I’m ready to jump
Scratch that – I’m ready to FLY
Into heretofore unchartered waters
Where heart & soul get as loud of a voice as mind & logic
And I have zero fucks to give about anyone’s opinion but those I love and trust

The Inner Circle, my tribe
A deep bench full of rock stars
Tenure is irrelevant – a true heart isn’t time-bound
Those who walked with me through those times hold a special reverence in my heart
Hanging in, knowing awesome was inside
Silently giving me space to find her on my own
I am honored by their faith in me

I digress, but there is always time for gratitude

Right now, I’m taking a moment’s pause
Beneath the cool shade of The Great Pause we are all under
To allow myself to grieve the old
To love that version of me
Who was doing her best when that’s all she knew
And appreciate the strength that came from that journey
Unshackling myself from those self-induced limitations

Mourning what was
To make room in my heart
For new

 

 

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