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When I was a kid
I thought a mid-life crisis was for men
A knee jerk reaction to the overwhelming responsibility
Loss of adventure
Symbolized by the purchase of an impractical car
Perhaps a dalliance with a fling
One last dance with virility and youth

Then I roll up on that life stage
And all hell breaks loose inside of me
An existential crisis
The kind they make movies about
Where the female protagonist “finds herself”
Ugh, really? So cliche
Yet, here we are

This is not the superficial male midlife crisis script I had in my head
This is vastly different
A disintegration of my exterior
The face I presented to the world
Leaving what was just beneath the surface exposed
Terrified – I’d busted my ass to hide this!
I’m literally falling apart
And like Humpty Dumpty
I couldn’t put myself back together again

I’m hindsight I can see
My vitality had been caged
Cruelly by myself, societal expectations
And a heaping spoonful of I simply didn’t know any better
This was a necessary falling apart
In the moment, it felt like I was going crazy

Emotions – deep, raw, coming to the surface
Triggering panic
Sensation of loss of control
Fear of losing my mind, losing it all

A few breadcrumbs laid
Crawling my way to make sense of this new-found crazy
Inch by inch
Uncovering my sense of knowing
Feeling my way in the darkness
Eyes adjusting to the low light
Realizing I can see more than I thought

Guides, lighting the way
The words of Danielle LaPorte, Brene Brown, Glennon Doyle, Tim Ferriss
Trusted friends holding space while I explored what was being stirred up inside
Time alone, listening to myself for once

Once you wander down this path
There is no going back
You cannot unknow freedom to think for yourself

So yes, I’ve had a mid-life crisis
And I am grateful
My burdens are much lighter
Life is sweeter
My perspective has shifted significantly
Less doing, more being
Less worry, more present

These words seem simple, basic
Like a cheesy motivational quote
Insufficient to capture the metamorphosis

But maybe that’s the point
I broke myself down to get down to what matters
And what matters is very simple

 

 

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