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If you want something
Go make it happen
Sounds simple
Yet I was unable, unwilling
On a very real level

It’s ok to want things
Even if they are
Impractical
Cannot be justified
Cost money

For healthy-minded individuals
This is obvious
For the diseased mind however
This is crippling
A double bind
A lose-lose scenario

I was trapped
In a contraption of my own design
And no one else had a key

Somewhere along the way
I decided that I had to be above reproach
Perfect
A martyr’s martyr
And it nearly killed me

Stifled wants, needs, desires
Silent envy, injustice brewing
Increasingly more cold, bitter
Hopeless. Helpless. Miserable.

Collateral damage in relationships
That which I could have done for myself
I had to wait until someone did for me
And I was resentful to accept
The timing being too little too late
And the lack of self-worth, being beholden to others
A cocktail of awful for all parties

Multiple attempts to overcome
Painful reminders of my inadequacy
Beating my head against a wall repeatedly

Then…I woke up
Realized I am worthy
And this habit melted away

Rapidly once started
Like an ice cream cone in a toddler’s hand
Dripping, a delightful mess
Mistakes have been made
Life didn’t end
Lessons learned are merely that
All the fear of misstep
Much ado about nothing

So yeah, I’ll get the sugared cereal if I want
And it’s perfectly ok if it doesn’t fit my diet plan
If I wait too long and the milk spoils
Or if I lose my appetite and end up tossing it out
The guilt that I thought would crush me
From making a bad financial choice
Simply doesn’t have the sway over me that I assumed it would

What else do I assume is so bad that’s holding me back?

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