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You ask me to share about myself
A perfectly reasonable ask
Seeking to get to know another
Strangely, this is a struggle for me
Which I find interesting to observe
A thread I want to pull on this sweater

I’ve walked the Earth for a good little bit now
I’ve been places, done things
But none of it felt like mine

I was an actor playing the role of myself
Those experiences weren’t experienced
I didn’t let them in
To touch me as meaningful

To say I was a shell of my existing self is a gross under exaggeration
None of it mattered
The good, the bad, everything in between
Shades of grey
As I watched a colorful world happening outside of me

My character was that of the visitor to a foreign land
Trying to blend in, fit in
Not be discovered for being an alien
Living amongst everyone else

I say without exaggeration
I am indifferent to my past
Any accomplishments barely more than a blip
The script in my head the entire time
THAT was the main character
That might be interesting to unravel, reveal

I was close with no one, ever
No one knew the disconnect I was feeling truly
Deep inside

And here I am
In the present, actually present
In the deep end
Out of the shallows now

That is the goofy grin you see
Marveling at being IN my life
As an active participant

I assumed all this time
That the curiosity I have for others
While genuine, was also
Rooted in fear of exposing myself
It was, but on a different plane than I thought
Shame, feeling that I was not enough
That was the surface stuff
It was emptiness
Vast expanse of darkness
In my soul

Anger –
Why the fuck am I here if this is it?
This illusion of a life
People appear to enjoy this – how?
Where is the greater meaning?
Purpose in doing this meaningless shit?!?
And why, God, are you cursing me with a long life to endure this?

That is what I thought
Constantly
Wordlessly
Privately

And now…
Cracked open
Letting light in
Goodness in
And what’s been growing in me
Is coming out
Oozing, bursting, radiating
I couldn’t stop it if I tried
Nor would I want to

I joke about my humility
I AM awesome
I’m not telling myself anything otherwise anymore
But there is so much pain underneath
That I’ve fucking earned it

So moving forward
Please ask me what I think or feel about something
My opinion, my take on life
This is what I denied myself
And I now can see
This what I have to offer
To myself, to the world

All I am is the here and now
Anything that matters anyway

I feel like my heart might explode right now

Lady Gaga singing the chorus of “Shallow” captures this emotion perfectly for me, and I cannot stop the tears…

I’m off the deep end, watch as I dive in
I’ll never meet the ground
Crash through the surface, where they can’t hurt us
We’re far from the shallow now

 

 

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